How not to give away that you are cheating

Top Tip Number One. In fact the only tip.

Do not leave her card in your shorts pocket if your partner does the laundry.

Given that most women do the washing, this is not a clever idea.

Some women are stupid enough not to empty pockets, but I do. I am not Rachel of the breast implants and eye surgery who gaily chucked pound notes in the washing machine because she couldn’t be arsed to empty the pockets.

I am tidy roughseas who always checks pockets for money, bits of glass paper, throws out painting debris, and anything else.

So who was Janice the Trust Fund Director?

Whose business card suddenly appeared in his pocket.

Now, this may sound somewhat unromantic, but my first thought was, ‘What the fuck is he doing with OUR money without consulting me?’ Huh? Why do I want to put my money in a trust fund? I don’t.

I vaguely thought that perhaps Janice had shagged him and thought he was good enough to want another go and left her card with him. Didn’t really hang together and I was more concerned about the money.

‘Janice,’ I said, when he walked in. ‘Her card’s there.’

‘Who?’

‘Janice,’ I sighed. ‘The trust fund director.’

‘Never heard of her.’

‘Well her card was in your shorts pocket.’

‘Oh right. That would be the card I picked up in the Indian take-away the other night. I thought it might have been someone’s ID but I couldn’t see without my glasses so I brought it home and forgot about it.’

Is that a good excuse I ask you? No it’s pretty crappy.

‘Did you think I was shagging her?’

‘No. I was worried about the money.’

‘I don’t have time to shag anyone.’

‘Well you could have done it yesterday morning when you spent six hours on the Land Rover. Allegedly.’

‘And came home covered in grease?’

‘Maybe you did a bit of LR stuff first, then you shagged Janice, and then you went back to cover yourself in grease.’

We both laughed. I chucked Janice’s trust fund business card in the bin.

Advertisements

About roughseasinthemed

I write about my life as an English person living in Spain and Gibraltar, on Roughseas, subjects range from politics and current developments in Gib to book reviews, cooking and getting on with life. My views and thoughts on a variety of topics - depending on my mood of the day - can be found over on Clouds. A few pix are over on Everypic - although it is not a photoblog. And of course my dog had his own blog, but most of you knew that anyway. Pippadogblog etc
This entry was posted in humour, life, love, musings, thoughts and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

27 Responses to How not to give away that you are cheating

  1. Andrew says:

    If it had been a good excuse you wouldn’t have believed it 🙂

    Like

  2. I managed to wash out a USB drive one time. Guess what? Not only did it come out clean in the physical sense but it did not come out clean in the other sense. Frigging thing still worked!
    I can also tie the two parts of your story together. There’s a lot of laundry in my house. So much that I’m considering replacing the electric motor in the washer with a diesel engine from an old 18-wheeler. Not a day goes by without at least one load going through the thing. I check the pockets. My kids, who all have summer/work-term jobs, do not. Go fetch me Shaggin’ Janice’s card will yuh? I have more than enough collected to set up a nice trust fund for me and the missus. There’s a 15% fee in it for you 🙂

    Like

    • I did wash his little pouch of cards the other day – ID, bank, business cards and ..shock horror! five pound note. The only thing damaged was the business cards. I don’t know which pocket I hadn’t looked in. Most unme.

      There’s only two of us plus one large furry dog, but we do a wash every day or other day. I’ll forego the fee. I think it is Corinthian, in Parliament Lane. But personally I’d recommend a building society – hence the Gibraltarian Inquisition about trust fund investment.

      Like

  3. cobbies69 says:

    the land rover was onto something good, and did not even realise it. tehee! nice thought roughseas, however glad it was okay..

    Like

  4. Vicky says:

    I laughed when I read this post, it’s exactly how my mind would have worked too. 😀

    Like

  5. Iquitoz says:

    Nice short “story”. All the elements there. Fact more entertaining than fiction. Thanks.

    Like

    • It made me laugh. A business card from a trust fund director. Money or sex? Which is worse? I’m out of it at the moment with a sprained ankle but I thought that was a bit of light relief.

      Like

  6. Iquitoz says:

    Sorry to hear of your sprained ankle. Hope it wasn’t injured kicking partner. 😉 Speedy recovery.

    Like

    • Not as sorry as I am! I wouldn’t even think of kicking him. He’s the one with the karate skills not me. Given the damage he could inflict, even in his old age, a sprained ankle would be the least of my worries.

      Thanks for the good wishes. I’m hobbling slightly more effectively. May be up tp venturing out of the flat at the weekend.

      Like

  7. EllaDee says:

    Too funny – glad you shared, I got a laugh too 🙂 If I thought the G.O. had any spare cash in his pockets I’d check his pockets but he never does, he leaves it in the console of his car. We don’t have room, seriously, for a dirty clothes basket so all clothes go off the person directly into the front loader which is run daily. If I had a dollar for every time I’ve washed screws, bolts, dockets, ear plugs, pencils, marking pens, paper napkins, tissues, rocks… you name it the G.O. leaves it in his pockets despite assuring me the pockets are emptied, despite an “empty your pockets” sign on the washing machine… despite the fancy expensive to fix washing machine which belongs to the apartment – to my landlord-sister… despite knowing that our own washing machine at TA will shred tissues and apply them to every article of clothing in the load.

    Like

    • Mine doesn’t even claim the pockets are empty! Screws, bolts, change, notes, business cards. I have a treasure trove although not very valuable.

      We share the tasks and mine is emptying the overall pockets. Flaking paint. Glass paper. A few pence. Nuts bolts and washers as above. Part of life. Unlike Janice’s card 😀

      Like

  8. Just smiling ms. I think you are a smart lady, hell yes it is about your money, Janice be damned.

    Like

    • It was irrelevant really. You want to sleep around ? up to you. But mess with my money …. As I said, she went in the bin. To be fair when I was busy working, he looked after the money, so that’s why I figured she was a non-starter.

      Like

      • Yep! I am of the same mind, ” He want to mess about? Go for it” Don’t want someone who seems to need/want/find himself to be else where. Thank you very much
        I have never quite understood jealously, kind of baffles me. Either this is ‘home’, or it is not.

        Like

        • In my earlier life I have to say pride would have come into it. I would have felt there was something wrong with me. Later? Exactly as you say. Another commonality 🙂

          Like

          • For some implacable reason I never had those concerns. Not certainly because i was so self-confident. Which when I think on it long makes me wonder why.

            I have always held this belief that ‘he’ either kept his shoes under my bed full time. Or he didn’t.
            And if he chose to keep his shoes elsewhere I would quite happily pack the rest of shoes for him and send him on his way.
            Maybe this is actually prideful on my part, I just realized this.
            Don’t want someone who does not want to be.
            Life literally is not long enough for that kind of BS.

            This was a fun post. I enjoyed your other readers comments as well.

            Like

          • I don’t know what I would do if it ever did happen. If it has I don’t know about it.

            Move on and forgive or kick his arse and forget? Let’s hope I don’t have to find the answer. Probably too late in life and too many years together for either of us to look elsewhere, hence my worries about the trust fund 😀

            Glad you enjoyed the post, one of those that wrote itself.

            Like

          • Think you said the most important thought concerning a (hypothetical) estrangement, you (none of us) know how you’d react.
            I don’t know,either, I am thinking I’d do one or the other as well. Depending.

            Yes, I enjoyed this, off the mainstream of topics. I found it a refreshing.

            Like

          • It’s the cheating and lack of trust that would bug me. If it was an agreed open relationship that’s another matter.

            Like

          • Absolutely! It’s the deceit.

            Like

  9. Anonymous says:

    This brought a smile to my otherwise curmudgeonly mug, brilliant and I was at work when I read it (as part of my 40 min refs break which I don’t often get as it happens). Don’t know if I mentioned my mother in law is Yorkshire, do I detect a wee ammount of Yorkshire in the niggles about the money? Far be it from me, a mere soft southerner, to suggest that Yorkshire folk are canny about their cash, but I rarely see my mother in law trust anyone with her money.
    Thank you 🙂

    Like

    • Always pleased to crack the mug with a tiny smile.

      Yes you did. I don’t know what it is about Yks and money. They’re not tight, they don’t like waste, and they want to be in charge. Is my summary. No wonder there has been talk of home rule in the past. Welsh and Scottish have odd reputations about money too. Possibly Yks tops out in terms of carefulness.

      Like

I appreciate any comments you leave, so long as they are relatively polite. And thanks for reading.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s