Top Tip Number One. In fact the only tip.
Do not leave her card in your shorts pocket if your partner does the laundry.
Given that most women do the washing, this is not a clever idea.
Some women are stupid enough not to empty pockets, but I do. I am not Rachel of the breast implants and eye surgery who gaily chucked pound notes in the washing machine because she couldn’t be arsed to empty the pockets.
I am tidy roughseas who always checks pockets for money, bits of glass paper, throws out painting debris, and anything else.
So who was Janice the Trust Fund Director?
Whose business card suddenly appeared in his pocket.
Now, this may sound somewhat unromantic, but my first thought was, ‘What the fuck is he doing with OUR money without consulting me?’ Huh? Why do I want to put my money in a trust fund? I don’t.
I vaguely thought that perhaps Janice had shagged him and thought he was good enough to want another go and left her card with him. Didn’t really hang together and I was more concerned about the money.
‘Janice,’ I said, when he walked in. ‘Her card’s there.’
‘Janice,’ I sighed. ‘The trust fund director.’
‘Never heard of her.’
‘Well her card was in your shorts pocket.’
‘Oh right. That would be the card I picked up in the Indian take-away the other night. I thought it might have been someone’s ID but I couldn’t see without my glasses so I brought it home and forgot about it.’
Is that a good excuse I ask you? No it’s pretty crappy.
‘Did you think I was shagging her?’
‘No. I was worried about the money.’
‘I don’t have time to shag anyone.’
‘Well you could have done it yesterday morning when you spent six hours on the Land Rover. Allegedly.’
‘And came home covered in grease?’
‘Maybe you did a bit of LR stuff first, then you shagged Janice, and then you went back to cover yourself in grease.’
We both laughed. I chucked Janice’s trust fund business card in the bin.